Tasty Dish

So I've essentially spent the last couple of weeks packing up the last six years of my life, preparing myself for my big move back home to New York City. It's great because I'm finally getting out of St. Louis (not all that bad a city when it really comes down to it, but I just needed more). So we packed up all my stuff, loaded up the truck, and got on our way going east on Interstate-70.

After a couple hundred miles of driving in pouring rain and arguing about a number of things, my father and I stopped in Indianapolis (smack in the middle of the Indy 500, I might add) to refuel (and finding out that gas in Indianapolis is more expensive than St. Louis, New York, New Jersey, Ohio, and anywhere else I've been in recent weeks).

We continued on 70 East towards Pennsylvania, crossing through Ohio and West Virginia on our way, adding two more states to the list of those I've driven through/set foot on (up to 28!) - not that those two are much to brag about. We forgot about the timezone difference, and realized we wouldn't make it all the way to Levittown, Pa. by midnight to stay at my Uncle's house for free. So we bit the bullet, stopped at a Kings Family Restaurant (of which there apparently exist more than one, though I've never seen/heard of them before), and decided that our goal for the night was Harrisburg, Pa. Finally, we caught a strip of hotels/motels about 20 miles west of Harrisburg (I wanna say exit 26 along I-76) and, after driving to three different motels, finally settled on the cheapest we could find.

Yeah the Super 8 motel. If you're an East Coaster, you know this well. I don't really know if they're anywhere else, but out here, they're home. So after a rousing game of "who could back the 16-foot truck into the tiny parking spot the fastest," we finally settled in and got ready to go to sleep. By this point, it was 1 a.m., but I had to check ESPN to see how my fantasy baseball team was doing (not as well as I wanted, but we came away with a tie at least. Fuckers. Your pitching performance is beyond absurd. It took Salomon Torres completely imploding for me to have even a little chance this week. I hate you.--ed.)

Then I ventured over to VH1 and what did I find? Maxim's Top 100 special! At this point, I HAD to watch this because, well ... I had to see what other crappy decisions they've made. After about 2 minutes, they focused on what I can only assume (I can't really remember) was their No. 70, a woman I had written down somewhere as a possible dark-horse Musician pick, and had I either known there was going to be a Round Four or had more time to make it to the bottom of my iTunes library, I would have picked her then instead of the only "bad" pick I've apparently ever made in the history of the LLFD.

Willa Ford

(From Oddsnark)

Ford had one major hit, called "I Wanna Be Bad," (unfortunately featuring Royce da 5'9" on the remix.--ed.) back when she came out declaring herself "The Bad Girl of Pop." Well, soon after she realized nobody cared about her singing (despite being a classically trained opera singer), and decided to gain eligibility elsewhere. She's hosted multiple reality TV shows, been on Dancing with the Stars, and will be starring in a Made-for-TV movie about Anna Nicole Smith's life, where she plays the one and only (which at this point is worth watching if only to see whether they use balloons or cgi to make her breasts as big as Anna's).

At this point, I think she may only qualify as a Musician and Media Personality (for her hosting duties), but keep a watchful eye, because she wants it all. Model and TV Actress are well within reach, so don't let her fall too far. (She was a Playboy covergirl a few months back, doing a full pictorial; I'll give you Model.--ed.)

Sweet redemption.

Mock LLFD - Models (Roundup)

(From View Images)

"Victory becomes, to some degree, a state of mind. Knowing ourselves superior to the anxieties, troubles, and worries which obsess us, we are superior to them."

--Basil King

Final Thoughts

Why that dude? Because in this draft, we were all winners ... except for Missing Man, who dropped the ball with the No. 2 pick ... and the Minority Reporter, who was jobbed by fellow drafters. So maybe there were picks that were probably illegal (see: Shahi, Sarah; also: Mitts, Heather), and maybe there were some stunners (see: Baxter, Esther sliding to Round 3) and maybe there were some lost opportunities (see: Ray, Ashlee). But when you step back and look at it, these lists are only separated by personal preference.

• America's High Five
• Elsa Benitez, Riyo Mori, Gisele Bundchen, Heather Mitts
• The Brooklyn Boy
• Melyssa Ford, Keeley Hazell, Anna Benson, Brooklyn Decker
• Intellectivist
• Tyra Banks, LeAnn Tweeden, Esther Baxter, Maliah Michel
• Lord Farceface
• Petra Nemcova, Natasha Yi, Mayra Veronica, Sarah Shahi
• The Loveseat
• Vida Guerra, Jenny McCarthy, Hoopz, Ashlee Ray
• The Minority Reporter
• Laetitia Casta, Reon Kadena, Sophie Howard, Andrea Fonseka
• Missing Man
• Mila Jovovich, Sofia Vergara, Carmen Electra, Kelly Hu
• One-shot
• Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Sallie Toussaint, Michelle Marsh

Big steals included: the aforementioned Baxter, Ambrosio and Tweeden at the end of the second, Mayra at the end of the third, Shahi in the fourth (illegally). Loveseat gets props for a potentially attainable pick in Ray. Getting two of the five major steals probably makes Intell No. 1 among equals. He'll hate me for this, but he used a Moore Gambit by waiting on Baxter, knowing that The Dirty Mexican being MIA this week significantly lowered the chances of a Video Vixen run.

Lessons Learned

The Model pool is waaaay deeper than expected. It doesn't quite rival Film Actresses, but good golly is it also high-quality. Take the big names early in an all-category LLFD, but you can wait on less obvious choices and pick them up in the later rounds, maximizing your draft value.

(Check out Round 1, Round 2, Round 3 or Round 4)

Mock LLFD - Models (Round 4)

(From Danny's Diatribes)

1. Sarah Shahi (Lord Farceface)
2. Heather Mitts (America's High Five)
3. Ashlee Ray (The Loveseat)
4. Andrea Fonseka (The Minority Reporter)
   
5. Brooklyn Decker (The Brooklyn Boy)
6. Michelle Marsh (One-Shot)
7. Kelly Hu (Missing Man)
8. Maliah Michel (Intellectivist)

Initial Reaction: LOVESEAT, YOU'RE DEAD TO ME.
On Second Thought: Seriously, two weeks in a row? You are a "screw your brother's draft" savant.
Summary: Loveseat clearly made the best single pick in the draft by selecting Ray, a former co-worker of ours who's done several videos and some modeling. Four years ago, she was 17 and interested in me. I deferred, because 17 with a kid was a wee bit intimidating. And the occasional psychotic outburst can be off-putting. However, girl got grown, I'm an idiot, and she's easily the most attainable option of anyone to be drafted thus far.

Shahi probably should have been challenged, but slipped through, thusly becoming a stellar fourth-round pick. Mitts was an interesting choice by High Five (though probably illegal), I couldn't pass up on a girl named Brooklyn and Michel really brought up the back end of this draft.

Commentary Highlights

Farceface, a might distracted:

Lord Farceface: I'll take Sarah Shahi on the reach around.
LFF: I mean wrap around!
LFF: Wrap around.
The Loveseat: those slips'll get ya

Loveseat, drafting a former co-worker of ours:

The Loveseat: ok, im takin a relative unknown
TLS: ashleeray.com
TLS: i assure you she has been in music videos and magazine appearances
TLS: and she lives close to me
TLS: and is bangin
The Brooklyn Boy: she's got her own site??
TBB: Why did i not try when she was all over my shit?
TBB: oh right: she was 17 and had a kid ...
TBB: and was a looney toon ... then
TLS: now shes 21 and has a kid
TLS: not as bad
TBB: fuck
TBB: that site is ridiculous
TLS: my pick works, so i'm bouncin
TLS: peace out
TBB: i'm officially mad at myself

On Maliah Michel:

Intellectivist: http://hiphopvideomodels.net/maliah_michel_picture_29.html
INT: feel free to jerk off to that
The Brooklyn Boy: wow ... her ass cheeks are bigger than my fucking face
INT: all the better to smother me with
INT: you could motorboat the shit out of that one
TBB: haha ... motorboat? you could fucking use a steamboat engine and not get through that passage.

Mock LLFD - Models (Round 3)

1. Esther Baxter (Intellectivist)
2. Carmen Electra (Missing Man)
3. Sallie Toussaint (One-Shot)
4. Anna Benson (The Brooklyn Boy)
   
5. Sophie Howard (The Minority Reporter)
6. Hoopz (The Loveseat)
7. Gisele Bundchen (America's High Five)
8. Mayra Veronica (Lord Farceface)
   

Initial Reaction: Well done, fellas.
On Second Thought: These are just all bombshells. There was no losing this round.
Summary: Great round here. Intell led it off in FINE fashion with Baxter, and High Five got a steal late with Bundchen. Benson might have been a reach, but I interviewed her once, and she's actually hotter in person than she is in photos. Plus, she's southern and that accent just kills me. I'm done the second a drawled "y'all" gets uttered. D-U-N Done.

Commentary Highlights

Minority drafting Sallie Toussaint for One-shot:

Intellectivist: toussaint l'oevurture
Lord Farceface: Toussaint L'Oevurture?
LFF: I think I ate there once.
LFF: Good Duck a L'Orange.
INT: sally toussaint
The Brooklyn Boy: haha ... soooo not the same

On me randomly deciding to put on some background music while drafting:

The Minority Reporter: Brooklyn is jerking off on the speaker with us
The Brooklyn Boy: what are you talking about?
TMR: we just heard sexy talk and asked him about it then all of a sudden he went quiet and switched to Still DRE
Lord Farceface: Hahah, gross.
TMR: sexy time sexy time sexy time
TMR: who are you beating off to?
TMR: WHO ARE YOU BEATING OFF TO?!?!?!
LFF: If it's not a snuff film, then it's just not worth it.
LFF: Wait, what? Who said that?

Missing Man, trying to beat the system:

Missing Man: Hye i've got to go, when it gets back to me my pick is Kelly Hu
The Brooklyn Boy: MM ... with the preemptive strike
TBB: that's a ball dropper
Lord Farceface: And props for player hating on Minority.
Intellectivist: you can't prepick!
The Loveseat: now it just made it easier to steal

High Five, struggling to select someone unpicked:

The Brooklyn Boy: High Five asked for eva mendes, then jenny mccarthy, then tyra, and finally ... gisele bundchen
Lord Farceface: Hahah, if she gets knocked up he can spray Tom Brady's baby's head.
LFF: ... that was foul, I apologize.
LFF: OVER THE LINE. Bad Farceface.

Mock LLFD - Models (Round 2)

(From NatashaYi.info)

1. Natasha Yi (Lord Farceface)
2. Riyo Mori (America's High Five)
3. Jenny McCarthy (The Loveseat)
4. Reon Kadena (The Minority Reporter)
   
5. Keeley Hazell (The Brooklyn Boy)
6. Alessandra Ambrosio (One-Shot)
7. Sofia Vergara (Missing Man)
8. Leann Tweeden (Intellectivist)

Initial Reaction: Screw Minority!
On Second Thought: No, seriously, that was amazing. Farceface and High Five are hilarious.
Summary: With the awesome Asian opener to the round, Minority was left scrambling for the rest of the draft, though he came through with Kadena here. Ambrosio was a stellar pick late in the second, as was Tweeden at the turn. McCarthy was an interesting choice, but not much of a surprise when you realize Loveseat was choosing.

(NOTE: AIM crapped out on me mid-draft, and Minority was using a Mac, so until I can figure out how to convert the iChat file into something readable, there's no commentary for Round 2.--ed.)

Mock LLFD - Models (Round 1)

On the heels of last week's semi-unenthusiastic Musician Mock, we regrouped to tackle Models. With Intellectivist back in the city, The Minority Reporter hosted a draft party ... for him, Intell and One-shot. The Loveseat, Lord Farceface, Missing Man and myself were drafting by chat, and America's High Five was (once again) on the phone.

After Intell finally friggin' showed up a half-hour after draft time, we got underway. Here's the first-round breakdown:

(From Bradvei)

1. Tyra Banks (Intellectivist)
2. Mila Jovavich(Missing Man)
3. Adriana Lima (One-Shot)
4. Melyssa Ford (The Brooklyn Boy)
   
5. Laetitia Casta (The Minority Reporter)
6. Vida Guerra (The Loveseat)
7. Elsa Benitez (America's High Five)
8. Petra Nemcova (Lord Farceface)
   

Initial Reaction: Tyra, huh? Very nice.
On Second Thought: Mila at No. 2? Really? Really?
Summary: Outside of Missing Man's awful Jovovich pick and Minority avoiding an Asian in the first round, there's no real surprises here. Good selections all around, and there's no real solid argument against Tyra going No. 1. She's a classy broad, that one.

(NOTE: AIM crapped out on me mid-draft, and Minority was using a Mac, so until I can figure out how to convert the iChat file into something readable, there's no commentary for Round 1.--ed.)

Color Commentary

The following is a true story. I'd prefer it wasn't.

As I mentioned in last week's Slay-by-Slay, I made the trek up to Portland, Maine to visit a fraternity buddy of mine. He's about to pack up and move to San Fran and since all my experiences of Maine have been when it's cold as balls, I figured I owed it to myself to visit Portland during the prime summer months. Man, was I in for a surprise.

We left Manhattan at 6 p.m. from 97th and Lex. It took us 1 1/2 hours to go 30 blocks north, then five hours to go 317 miles. Gotta love New York. Around 12:20 a.m., we strolled into Portland to meet my friend, "Suede." After knocking out as many drinks as possible before the bullshit 1 a.m. last call, Suede took me back to his house to give me the tour. (So that's what they're calling it these days ...--ed.) He's got a three-story place with two roommates; we swung by his buddies room when Suede heard a noise, called out his friend's name, and opened the door. The noise was post-coital nude cuddling. I got to see side-boob. (Score.--ed.) Therefore the tour was:

• a) the best house tour I've ever been on
• b) not the last time I would witness booty callin' on the trip.

The next night after a bitchin' party on a private yacht, Suede and his roommates threw a massive house party. The party was awesome, people got rocked, and it was followed by another trip to the local pubs. Suede's buddy "Bluto" managed to grab a chick five minutes before last call, and brought her with the crew of a dozen back to the house. I'm going to call her "Slut" and you'll find out why in three seconds.

People continued to party for a while before they dispersed to crash around the house. A popular spot was the third floor - one massive room complete with beddings prepared by the roommates. That's how they roll in Maine. I grabbed a spot and fell asleep. A little later, Bluto, Slut, and another guy named "Soil" woke me up with a conversation in the dark. It went like this:

Slut: The first guy to find me a blanket I'll have a threesome with.
Soil: (Instantly grabs a sheet and jumps on the futon with Slut and Bluto) Here.
Slut: Cool, let's go.
Soil: Oh god, you were fucking serious? Disgusting. (hops off the bed and walks away)

Soil then crashed on the floor near me. I don't even think his head had touched the ground before we heard unzipping. Quick recap: there are 10 people in the room. Two are having sex. Three others, including myself, are also awake. I wasn't going to say anything because I refuse to be that guy. It was a party after all ... Any case, I've heard people have sex before, and at least I didn't have to look at it.

So Soil and I lay there for about five minutes (yeah - we laughed about the short performance from Bluto for many hours), when Slut drops this bomb of a quotable gem:

Slut: Pull out, before you blow your load.

Classic. Even better: Suede's other roommate works for Planned Parenthood. The biggest bucket of condoms this side of Omaha was literally within arm's length of the futon, but the only mention of birth control for Slut was reminding a total fucking stranger to pull out. In front of ten people. Who also were total fucking strangers. It was later discovered she requested face and/or chest for the load blowing landing zone. I think my brain was bleeding too much by that point to hear that request.

And then, after the deed was done, she starts talking and doesn't stop. There is no way after listening to her nearly get pregnant I'm going to put up with cuddle talk, which consists of actually discovering each other's first names and the awkward, "So, you've been tested. Right?" Honestly, she was making more noise with her big fat mouth then she did with her big, fat vag. I had enough, and from the other side of the room, in the dark, I yelled out:

The Minority Reporter: Yo, I don't mean to be a dick, but you need to stop talking.
Slut: Huh? What?
TMR: Yeah, like, right now.
Slut: Whatever, you're just mad you didn't have sex.
TMR: With you? Gross. And no - I'm actually mad that you won't shut up.
Slut: (whispering) What an asshole.
TMR: (whispering) I can still hear you when you whisper, bitch.
Bluto: Yeah, uh ... that's my friend. You do need to shut up. And also leave - my parents are picking me up in 2 hours.

Slut promptly left and I went right to sleep. We didn't exchange good-byes. The next day I found out the true kicker: Slut was a local kindergarten teacher.

You hear that? That's the sound of your faith in humanity falling over and dying. A kindergarten teacher? That shit is gross. Right now, as you read this, she's grading coloring books and taking care of our nation's 6-year-olds. In about eight hours, she'll be giving hand jobs to anyone who brings her a napkin and will prolly shell out anal for a Jolly Rancher. (But only the green ones. Those make you horny.--ed.) You want the definition of a "Weekend Warrior"? It's that girl, complete with weekend HIV.

On par with the topic of school teachers being weekend warriors, Ryan Gosling's Half Nelson was an enjoyable picture. I'd personally much rather have a coke fiend than a ho bag teaching my kids - at least they won't come home with syphilis-stained macaroni art projects. However, when I watched the movie I couldn't help but notice:

Stephanie Bast

(From IMDB)

Bast plays one of the girls at a bar that Gosling's character attracts by simply touching his nose. I need to learn this trick. Of course, anyone with half a brain knows that means you've got coke and want to share but still, a trick's a trick. If your LLFD includes Stage Actresses, she'll qualify with all the Broadway work she's done in New York.

Bast is not the hottest Asian I've seen, but she's got that girl next door look about her and really has no where to go but up. As long as "next door" is not anywhere near Slut's Kindergarten, I'm totally game. I just hope she reminds me to pull out. Just in case.

Curing Yellow Fever

So I flew to Michigan for Memorial Day Weekend.

And, as everyone knows, when a male boards a plane, he prays that he gets seated next to either a) some hot Brazilian girl who speaks broken English, or b) an empty seat.

Any other scenario -- with the exception being if Jimmy Buffett decides to fly coach and you end up tossing back Coronas the whole flight -- sucks.

Well, to my extreme disappointment, Delta Airlines Flight 5631 from JFK to Detroit Metro Friday was full, I did not see any bronze-skinned beauties in need of English lessons, and The Coolest Man Alive was nowhere to be found anywhere near seat 4A.

Instead, I arrive at my aisle to find one of the fattest, smelliest dudes I have ever encountered in seat 4B.

Sonofabitch.

Not only did this guy smell like butt-hole, lockerroom and a garbage pick-up day in Manhattan all rolled into one, but he wanted to chat it up. I spent the following two hours gasping for air and pretending to be asleep at the same time, all the while, wishing, hoping, and making deals with the Big Guy, all in futility, that my flight did not get delayed.

I also spent a great deal of that time contemplating women whom I would pay anything to get a seat next to on an airplane.

So, in part because I missed the musician draft Thursday while seated next to Fatty McGee, today I present to you New York-born singer songwriter:

Jaymay

a/k/a Jamie Seerman

(From PulverRadio)

... Ok, I just heard the needle drop, and I get the picture. So she has clothes on. Fuck off. She's hot in my book.

Maybe Jaymay is not your high-profile J-Lo, Alicia Keys, or pre-train wreck Britney Spears, but, she can actually sing and play (gasp) at least two instruments. And I assume she has not had a train run on her by Eminem, Fred Durst, and/or Kid Rock. (Always a plus.--ed.)

And I hung out with her once after a show ... that is if you count sitting next to her while she promptly passed out on the table after about five minutes of witty banter.

She also has an exceptional rack.

Tasting the Wet Bar

So maybe she's a coked-up drunk driver who gets in knock-down, drag-out fights in hotel hallways, but got damn does LiLo look good poledancing in lingerie. Strippers - I'm for 'em! (And thusly, today's obscure Mitch Hedberg reference quota is fulfilled.)

(From Bartcop)

Paris Hilton's jail sentence is the gift that keeps on giving - last week, her therapist revealed that she's "traumatized" by the upcoming imprisonment. It's all part of a ploy to delay her forced testimony in a libel suit:

"She is emotionally distraught and traumatized as a consequence of the findings at the May 4 hearing, the jail sentence imposed upon her by the judge, and her fear of incarceration," Dr. Charles Sophy wrote.

Wait? You mean doing illegal things repeatedly actually has consequences?? What's the meaning of this? Orange is sooo not my color. That's not hot! Not hot at all! God, I'm going to ask Nicole for tips on how to survive without eating anything. That prison slop isn't even like two-star. I'm totally hiring a personal chef ... I mean, bitch. Isn't that what they call those there? How many cigarettes equal roasted pheasant, a gram of coke and a crotch shot? Oh wait, panty photos and nip slips are free of charge. At least when I'm giving them ...

Look forward to passages like those in Hilton's upcoming jailhouse diary.


Jessica Simpson decided to get deep this weekend, quoting Michaelangelo, and then ruminating on fear and the search for self:

"Sometimes we are all so afraid to be honest with ourselves because we know that honesty will lead us somewhere off the path of the life we've mapped out in our minds. Today, I challenge us to ask ourselves this...
What if we allow our fear to provoke us into action?
Can facing our fear be what walks us to somewhere better?
I do not have your answers, but in the quest to find my own, I've discovered somewhere worth traveling to...
In my life, I ignore my fears too often, but then I'm left with nothing to challenge the best of me. I just remain cowering from my true identity. There is no discovery."

Jess, ducking in the kiddie pool doesn't change the depth - it just brings you closer to drowning.

Quick Hits

• Evidently, there's Tinsley Mortimer backlash because she's been overexposed. Tins, you can expose yourself to me anytime. (Page Six)
• Some aspiring "real virgin" entering the porn industry took the name Katee Holmes, irking Tom Cruise's beard. This would be more of a story if she wasn't busted. (Page Six/Hollywood Backwash)
• Anna Kournikova and Enrique Iglesias are divorced. Wait, what? When did they get married? (Perez Hilton)
• It was probably as clandestine as Amy Winehouse's recent nuptials. (Page Six)
• Derek Jeter ex No. 643, Jordana Brewster, is getting her Angie on. (Hollywood Backwash)
• Bruce Willis is more of a man than you. (What Would Tyler Durden Do?)
• You ladies better have some years to ya if you don't wanna have an awkward moment with Johnny Depp. (Female First)
• Mr. Belding, still a P-I-M-P:
  

(From Perez Hilton)

VT Watch

(From With Leather)

Matt Ufford over at With Leather continues to validate his VTHOF status, with this post about 18-year-old Kirsten Sweetland, star Canadian triathlete. Good man, Matt, good man.